starting to freak

I HAVE to get control of myself. I'm starting to let the fear take over and that's NOT gonna get me ready for this thing. This morning I was sitting in a review session and just got so overcome with anxiety about this exam that I had to get up and leave. Just walked right out of the auditorium... from the front row. It was highly embarrassing but I just couldn't handle thinking about this stuff anymore... worked myslef into a tizzy and then ran out. I was THIS close to just bursting into tears, so it was either 1) leave or 2) just start balling on the front row in front of all my classmates. Ugh! Like a child! It probably didn't help that I was up till 2 trying to take a practice exam, and then up at 7. That probably just made me all the more emotional.

I'm trying to keep an even head, but so many things have me upset these days. bar prep of course, but other stuff too. The really bad part is that when I have a problem I like to try to face it head on... confront it, solve it and move on. But I don't feel like I can do that right now. I know that I have to just turn off my emotions for the next 2 weeks because I can't afford to get bogged down in being sad or frustrated. But have you ever tried to truly "turn off" your emotions? Its sooooo hard. To maintain your tunnel vision so that you ignore the things and people that you hold dear so that you can focus on what is more urgent... not what is more important... but more urgent.

The other hard part is that I feel like I have no support system, which really isn't anybody's fault. But all of my loved ones are sort of in two camps: law students and the lucky ones. All my law student friends are having their own freak outs, so it's not like they can stop what they're doing to fix me. And those that aren't going through this with me right now... of course they understand what it's like to be stressed about an exam, but i can't really talk strategy, or about what specifically has me spooked. (By the way, Jada, yes I realize you are in neither of these camps, and for that reason you are my lifeline. Thanks babe!)

Anyway, It's hard but I know there's really nothing I can do but buckle down and get through it. Turn off my emotions, keep my head down, and then re-introduce myself to the world on July 26. Until then I will try not to let something like spilling coffee on my sweater this morning make me want to go throw myself down a flight of stairs! :-(